Family Enhancement Center

Mother’s Day Musings

2011-05-07T09:44:00.001-07:00

I have been stewing for awhile. Now in honor of Mother's Day, I have to come forward. Ever since Amy Chua came out with her book: "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother ", I have been struggling to figure why it irritates me so much. I have to admit I have not read the whole book. But I did listen to a whole interview of her on Minnesota Public Radio.

I tried to keep an open mind. I really did try. In the end I still felt this nagging irritation. It made no sense. After all, there is nothing wrong with having high expectations of your children. There is nothing inherently wrong with insisting your children adhere to a certain structure. Being a rigid and demanding parent is not new and it's not rocket science either. The recent movie: Black Swan, certainly portrayed a demanding and determined mother.

Well I finally figured it out. This Tiger Mothering is really just another way to live through your children. Amy Chua said it herself in her interview on MPR. "The child is almost an extension of yourself". In describing the fact that her children did not become embroiled in teen pregnancy and drug abuse, Amy said "I spared them that". And in that lies the problem. Rather than recognizing that her wonderful daughters made some excellent choices, Amy believes she created them. The boundary between where Amy starts and her daughters begin is quite blurred. The result is their achievements belong to Amy. Amy's daughters, who sat through 2 hours of music practice each day for 10 years, don't even get to own their success.

When parents take responsibility for their children's achievements and children don't know whose goals they are working towards, we are in trouble. In the field of family therapy we have a word for this: enmeshment. It's not considered a good thing.

The ramifications are endless. If you own your children's achievements, do you also own their failures? How do they know who they truly are? I think of all those parents of an under-achieving child. Are all of those parents failed parents? What if you have a special needs child? Are you doomed to failure right from the start?

Since we all can't be at the front of the class, what about those children who just can't cut it? What happens to the frustrated parents expecting their children to do things that they are just not capable of? I am afraid that there are many hidden tiger mothers who are not writing books. They may be sitting with the guilt of child abuse resulting from unreasonable expectations and a child who just couldn't meet them.

Amy reports she feels good that her children have said publicly that they will raise their children just the way she raised them. Well guess what? So do almost all the abusive parents I have interviewed over that past 25 years. As the director of the Family Enhancement Center, a child abuse prevention agency, I have been witness to many examples of inter-generational transmission of parenting practices, be they good or very bad. I wouldn't hang my hat on that.

Amy says she just wants her children to be happy. Well the latest happiness research indicates that financial success is not the road to happiness. Neither are children, for that matter.

The author, Daniel Gilbert, writes about the latest happiness research in his book: Stumbling on Happiness. What apparently makes us happy is being able to enjoy the company of other humans. I am not sure how tiger mothering helps our children achieve that. At the heart of good interpersonal relationships, as we all know, is emotional intelligence. To get that, all you need is a parent who thinks about your feelings and teaches you to do the same with others.

My advice, be warm towards your children. Help them find their unique gifts. Let them know you have confidence in them. Give them limits and rules to follow. When they mess up, help them get back up and keep trying.

For a long time after hearing about "tiger mothers", I wondered what kind of mother I am. I always liked the image of a mother bear and the title, wolf mother, has style but after much consideration I decided, I will just be a Human Mother. Happy Mother's Day.

Sex Ed. and well sex.....

2010-02-03T05:24:00.000-08:00

I hate to be wrong but it is not so bad when you had a sneaking suspicion that you weren't 100 % right anyway. I had always been a strong supporter of sex ed for kids. Mostly because so much research points out that kids who do not have correct information about their bodies are at higher risk for sexual abuse. However when my own kids became "that age", doubts began to surface.

After my teenage son completed religious school sex ed., I noticed an increased exuberance in regard to sexual matters. I was not amused. I had many discussions with him on topics I hate to say made me feel prudish. Casual sex and "friends with benefits" were among the least enjoyable. I tried hard to get my points across but somehow it seemed like he had already made up his mind. He had what I consider a too casual attitude about sex. He also had misinformation on the safety of various "safe sex" behaviors. Because I trust our religious institution I know this misinformation was not intentional just teen risk taking and an overly optimist attitude.

Now it looks like being prudish might be the right thing after all. In a recent study, abstinence only education for teens seems to have beaten the safe sex education in keeping kids away from the horizontal bop. See the link to this article below, which even some safe sex advocates are calling good research.

http://www.aolnews.com/health/article/study-teaching-abstinence-works-better-than-sex-ed/19341448?ncid=webmaildl1

This isn't the last word on the subject. There are many other studies giving weight to the value of safe sex education. However, in an effort to teach our kids to be safe, maybe we have gone too far in the instruction direction and not far enough in the values direction. Maybe I am a prude but rather that than a grandmother.

Here are some links for more information about both sides of this debate:
http://www.webmd.com/hiv-aids/news/20070802/abstinence-programs-dont-cut-hiv-risk

http://www.caps.ucsf.edu/pubs/FS/abstinence.php

JOINING - The Facebook Challenge

2009-07-02T09:47:00.000-07:00

I have never been a good joiner. I resisted joining all groups as a child. I got kicked out of Brownies at age 5 (don't ask) and my involvement in group activities went down hill from there. Despite my own poor personal history on joining, I am determined to have both my kids join something. Something positive. Like baseball, boy scouts, gymnastics, orchestra, you get the idea. So far it has been a challenge. Neither child wants to join anything.

That is, except for Facebook. Now what I struggle with is: Does Facebook count? Is this type of joining a good thing or a bad thing. Maybe it is an inevitable thing. Facebook might be like "the borg", resistance is futile. Soon we will all be on Facebook, whether we like it or not.

My trusted, older friend, Diane, is convinced that Faceboook will evolve into a conspiracy of sorts where we will all be Facebook zombies as a result of signing up. Or that someone will figure out how to siphon all our monetary funds surreptitiously through our Facebook accounts.

Frankly, those are not my biggest Facebook concerns. My list includes the following dilemmas:

Does time on Facebook count as screen time or is it socializing? Is Facebooking what we used to do, when we hung around the corner store.

Does Facebook make our children better people or is it somehow interfering with the normal social development of normal adolescents. I can make a good argument for both sides on this issue.

Isn't Facebook just one small part of a larger issue, one that frames the generation gap of this era?

How much of our lives should be led in the form of key strokes?

Are we more disconnected or less as a result of the WORLD WIDE WEB?

Can these key stokes which depict our daily lives replace the daily contact we once had with each other when we were raising barns together or making quits to keep us warm through those cold winter nights?

I wish I had answers to these questions. Maybe I should start a Facebook discussion group? If I do, will you join?

Parenting Lessons Learned The Hard Way - Negotiation

2009-01-23T18:07:00.000-08:00

I am a big believer in children learning negotiation. To some, that makes me an ineffective parent or worse - a waffler. But, I am convinced that children who never get to put in their two cents will be ineffective adults. They will be adults lacking confidence and verbal skills.

HOWEVER what I have learned the hard way is that you have got to decide AHEAD of time whether the issue you are dealing with is negotiable or not.

There is nothing worse than switching from the "no means no" horse to the "maybe horse" midstream. When you switch horses midstream, you lose credibility and you may get confused about what your initial plans were. And of course, you set yourself up for a lot of whining in the future.

My youngest child is too cute for his own good. When he was little, it was hard to say "no" to that sweet face. So many times, I would say "no" and then after a few sad looks would change my mind and say "yes, but just this once." MISTAKE.

We have walked a long hard road through many tantrums to get to the point where he takes us seriously. After a few years of hard core parenting, we have gotten him to see that "no" does mean "no", at least most of the time. He is still cute, but his whining and determination to get is own way is not so cute.

What we needed was a cue. A cue that signals to the overly cute child that “I mean business.” Or the reverse; “Give me a good argument and I may flex a little.” Those words can be hard to find at the spur of the moment.

I leave you with some words to keep in mind when you might want to set a negotiable limit. "Right now I am thinking that you will not be able to....but...." or "I am not sure what to say about that right now. I will get back to you later." Or lastly, there is the old favorite: "I have to talk to your father (mother) about ....before I make a final decision." Its always nice to have a fall guy if you need one.

Parenting Lessons Learned "The Hard Way" - Sleep

2009-01-15T10:38:00.000-08:00

I have spent a lot of time obsessing about parenting lately, and although it is driving me crazy, it has resulted in a few thoughts. I have been accused of being stubborn and that may be why I had to learn these lessons the hard way.

Arguing with a child who won't go to sleep rarely makes them go to sleep. Logical on the surface, this one eluded me for years. Arguing, yelling, gnashing of teeth, and threats of consequences actually serve to keep your child (and thus you) awake longer. It is hard to sleep when you have a child repeatedly walking into your room or crying in his room. In addition to the things that really work to get your child asleep more quickly and easily (see advice below), I have also had to learn the lesson of acceptance.

Some kids, just like some adults, can have trouble falling asleep some nights. Unfortunately, they don't plan ahead for the specific nights they will not sleep, so you can't set your sleep schedule around it. As a matter of fact, it seems like when I am the most sleep deprived, they are most likely to have trouble falling asleep. Coincidence? I don’t know. No matter what, when a person has insomnia, calmness and security is what they need. A good read on this topic is Sleepless in America by Mary Sheedy Kuchinka.

In addition, I have a little advice:
1. Sleep when you can, even if your house is dirty.
2. Don’t obsess about sleep. If you can get two 4 hour shifts in during one day, you’re good to go.
3. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Your neighbor, friend, or relative will probably be willing to trade favors so you can get some shut eye.
4. Remember that eventually almost all children do sleep through the night. Don’t fall into self blame when that smart aleck neighbor tells you that all 16 of her children slept through the night at 4 weeks.

Sleep patterns are mostly a result of biology. The rest is due to good sleep hygiene. What the heck is that, you might ask.

Here‘s your answer. Sleep hygiene rules dictate that you should:

Put your child (or yourself) to bed every night at the same time.

Put your child (or yourself) to sleep at night following the same routine every night.

I know it's hard but try to put your baby down into their crib just BEFORE they fall asleep (that way they get used to falling asleep on their own without being held).

If they wake up – respond but don’t be too exciting or fun. Same goes for you. If you wake up, do something boring then wait till you get tired and go to bed again.

Make your daily routine just that - routine.

Don’t eat right before bed. This DOES NOT apply to the baby, who has to eat (nurse or drink a bottle) before bed.

Don’t watch TV or stare at a screen of any kind for the hour before you go to bed. Don’t let your kids do it either.· Make the last hour of your day relaxing and mellow. Reading is good.

Be aware that we all have sleep cycles of about 4 hours so everyone wakes up just a bit every 4 hours. Babies might fuss a little and then go back to sleep on their own. We adults may toss and turn for a few minutes then fall back to sleep.

Even if nothing works with your children now, don’t despair. I am glad to report that 12 years later, both our kids are sleeping like babies.

New Years’ Parenting Resolutions

2008-12-27T07:03:00.000-08:00

Well, it is that time of year again when we try to be the best we can be. Throw away that old self and begin with a clean slate. Last year - Not so good. This year I promise to do better. I have set my sights on achievable goals.

Here they are:

1. Stop yelling at my children. I am pretty sure this was on the list last year but this year it is at the top of the new and improved list. Designed to be achievable. No yelling -except when it is absolutely necessary. No more yelling to let off steam. No more yelling just for the joy of yelling. And no more yelling to maintain the floor longer. Yelling will be like the emergency oxygen bag that falls out of the overhead compartment just before the airplane crashes.

2. Stay calm. This is a hard one, especially when everyone else has lost their cool and we seem to be heading towards an injury. But as my scuba instructor always said, "Panic never helps." So I will make like a Hindu monk most of the time.

3. Try to be less sarcastic. I will hold my tongue for at least 10 seconds before every bit of biting sarcasm, which should be long enough to think through the damage it may do. I came to this conclusion when much to my disappointment, my son's teacher started talking about his sarcasm and suggested he needed to stop. Kids are the most accurate mirrors in the world.

4. Worry less about having a clean house before a party. We all know that after a party, your house will be trashed. Yet, time and time again, I have spent hours wiping every surface and scrubbing the floors JUST so that they will be a sticky mess in a matter of minutes. Life is too short for that.

5. Take time for myself first. My goal is to get "me time" at least three times per week. Now at first blush, this resolution may seem selfish and narcissistic. However, I know from past experience that I am much more pleasant when I have had a good long walk, a workout at the gym or coffee with a friend. I truly think everyone in my family will benefit - if I reach this goal.

6. Hug my teenager more. This seems like a low hurdle, but those of you who have teenagers know that they are not always cuddly. There are obstacles: in my son's case "boy hygiene," and embarrassment (his and mine) which could lead to rejection from one of the people you have spent years trying to help. Also, teenagers can resist hugs. Truly, they can resist parents in general. But that will not stop me. Teens really do want to be hugged, they just can't admit it. Since I know this, it has become my honor sworn duty to deliver those hugs.

Hope this brings you some inspiration to set your sights within reachable targets this year.

Jewtianity - My Family, Holidays and the Year End Wrap Up

2008-12-22T10:31:00.000-08:00

Despite our attempts to slow down the fast pace of time, it is the end of the year again, where we take stock of our trials and tribulations, hoping to make this next year better than the last. Here is my end of the year wrap up.

My youngest son is in the fourth grade now and has finally discovered the joy of reading. He is not quite into fine literature yet. Still reading on the Captain Underpants rung of the literary ladder however, beggars can't be choosers so we are happy. He continues to have lots of ideas and lots to say about all of them. I keep hoping an acting troupe will come by and snap him up, finally giving him an outlet for his antics, however no luck yet. One thing he did help with this year was naming a new religion. Now I know this seems like a huge task for a small child but I really think this works. He dubbed the new religion, "Jewtianity".

Jew-ti-an-ity: n. 1. The simultaneous practice of two similar religions within one family. These two religions must have differing Holiday schedules resulting in the diversification and possible religious confusion of young children.

As part of our practice of Jewtianity, we survived a Bar Mitzvah and are now officially the parent of a "Jewish adult". Since he is only 13 years old, this can get a little tricky. He has yet to move out and contributes little to his financial support. He does, however, expect us to allow him freedom in almost all decisions; treating both parents as if we have some sort of disability which results in us being highly illogical and very confused. On the positive side, there is one nice thing about adolescents. They can have philosophical discussions that are actually quite interesting. My teenager recently explained his understanding of learning disorders. He said everyone can learn anything, what differs is how long it takes. This is an interesting idea however; it has yet to be tested. One test might be: will my son ever learn to turn in his COMPLETED homework assignments? Hopefully some time before the END of college.

Both sons continue to have a fierce competition with each other about anything and everything. We have considered dividing the house down the middle and confining each to their own side but sacked the plan due to its complexity. We have few other ideas so we continue to wage peace in every manner possible knowing that eventually one of them will move out.

I continue to work at the newly renamed Family Enhancement Center, where we still strive to support families with information, advocacy and counseling. We continue despite the lack of adequate funds and enough governmental support. If you want to check it out go to http://www.familyenhancementcenter.org/ I have been coping with this frustration through a few diversions: trying to get back into some sort of fit physical shape and supporting Caribou Coffee with almost daily visits where I can sit and briefly dream of finer times ahead.

Hope you have fine times in the year ahead. Cheers!

Thanksgiving

2008-12-02T18:33:00.000-08:00

Well, the turkey is gone and I have eaten too much, way too much. I have gained at least 3 pounds of pure, unadulterated fat that has come directly from the massive amount of pie I have consumed. For the record, I do regret every single piece of pie after the first slice of each kind. There were three kinds, though. And I regret the whipped cream too, but just a little bit.

These regrets could almost make a person depressed however, since it is Thanksgiving, instead of thinking of regrets, I am focused on what I am thankful for.

Here is my 2008 list:
I am thankful that I have finally let go of the idea of being glamorous. Now this is not the same as deciding to"let myself go". I have just finally faced the fact that I will never make it onto the cover of Vogue magazine. The silver lining is that by letting go, I am now freed up to focus on the very attainable goal of appreciating myself for what I am.

Secondly I am thankful that my husband and I are still really fond of each other. While being fond of each other seems like a given to those of you who are starry eyed newlyweds, in reality, it is a triumph against nature. It is a triumph to still like each other, when you have spent the last 13 years negotiating everything from whether or not to buy the cheap diapers all the way on up to to how to teach kids about safe sex. And when you have done all these negotiations while listening to endless hours of whining and sibling rivalry, it is a miracle that neither one of us walked out the door to "get milk" and never came back.

Third, I am thankful that both of my children are healthy, at least relatively speaking. Although, they both have their imperfections, some of which I blame on nature and some I blame on nurture (mine), they are healthy.

Now - for the rest of the list:
I am thankful that I can now go to non-animated movies with both of my kids.

I am thankful my kids like rock and roll, well at least one of them does.

I am thankful I can usually see the humor in all the trials and tribulations of the past.

I am thankful I haven't met the seventh grade principle (yet).

I am thankful that most of the calls I get from my kids' school are calls about meetings and volunteering not about one of their latest escapades.

I am thankful that I have decided I am only buying my kids two gifts each, this year.

I am thankful I did not get trampled at the mall.

I am thankful that despite all of the mistakes, I have made as a mother and a family member, I can still look both of my sons straight in their eyes and see the good in them.

Finally, I am thankful that even though our family has been through some rough times, we all still believe in each other.

Parenting and Sarcasm

2008-11-03T11:52:00.000-08:00

"You're such an idiot" yells one child. "No, you're the idiot," yells the other. "I wish you were dead", is the kind response.

These are the endearments of my two angels: ages 9 and 12. I keep reminding myself that they do love each other. But this is not what I had imagined. It is not family harmony. Of course, I was raised as an only child, so what do I really know about sibling relationships.

As a distraction, I try to poke some humor at the two of them, suggesting that since I have two idiots as children, I should write a book called "Parents Guide to Raising Idiots".

This is sarcasm. It is one thing I am good at. It has been passed down from generation to generation from a long line of really sarcastic people. So you can see why I wear it as a badge of honor.

My husband doesn't like sarcasm especially when it is directed at him. He has suggested that, since I am gifted in this area, I could offer workshops on the topic of sarcasm. He even suggested a few workshop titles:
"Sarcasm Basics"
"Sarcasm for Every Occasion"
"Sarcasm for the Learning Challenged".

Sadly, sarcasm is not a recommended parenting method so I should really stop. I am trying, but old habits die hard.

Distraction, however, is a well respected and highly recommended parenting technique. It works well when combined with humor so in this case sarcasm was successful. YES! All three of us idiots began laughing and that is a good thing.

So in case you are not gifted with the sarcasm gene, here is a tried and true list of other things you can do when your kids are fighting:

Use Humor.

Sing.

Start talking with an accent.

Talk really, really soft.

Distract them with something that is happening right now, like an antique car driving down the street.

Give each one equal time to explain what they are upset about but don't take sides or make judgements of either child.

Challenge them to see if they can find a solution that makes every one happy then reward both of them for going along with it.

Even though many parents swear by this, don't give lots of undue sympathy to the wounded child. Chances are "the wounded one" added his or her part to the problem and if you don't want more "wounded child" moments, don't give lots of attention to it.

Dirty Laundry

2008-09-02T11:24:00.000-07:00

When I got that call from my neighbor, I was in between the dirty dishes and the pile of laundry. I was not appreciative. She called to ask if Jacob was allowed on NW Blvd. I was embarrassed that my child was doing something against the rules. I was angry that my work was interrupted and until I returned home with said child in tow, I was scared. NW Blvd is a busy street. What if he wandered off the sidewalk and got too close to traffic. What if he tried to cross and misjudged the car distance. It wasn't until I had my child in the home, with lecture completed and consequences laid out, that I realized I should also be thankful.
We are lucky enough to live in a community that cares.

My neighbors know my child well enough to know when to call. Better than that, they care enough to make the call. This fact will likely prove to be sometimes embarrassing and possibly annoying. But we are LUCKY. My child has a safety net. A net that will keep him limited (at times) but also, with luck, safe enough to reach adulthood largely unscathed. For that we are thankful.

So I write this note for all of you who are caring but fearful. When in doubt - Please call. You can always apologize later, if you need to.

I also write it for all of you who may feel embarrassed or annoyed. Get over it. You may have a nosey neighbor but you also have a watchdog.

Lastly, I write it for all of you who don't have a nosey neighbor or don't know your next door neighbors. Get out there somehow and meet those in your community!

No man (woman or child) is an island. We will all need each other some day. We are nothing alone.

Now I am going to call my neighbor and be appreciative!