New Years’ Parenting Resolutions

Well, it is that time of year again when we try to be the best we can be. Throw away that old self and begin with a clean slate. Last year - Not so good. This year I promise to do better. I have set my sights on achievable goals.

Here they are:

1. Stop yelling at my children. I am pretty sure this was on the list last year but this year it is at the top of the new and improved list. Designed to be achievable. No yelling -except when it is absolutely necessary. No more yelling to let off steam. No more yelling just for the joy of yelling. And no more yelling to maintain the floor longer. Yelling will be like the emergency oxygen bag that falls out of the overhead compartment just before the airplane crashes.

2. Stay calm. This is a hard one, especially when everyone else has lost their cool and we seem to be heading towards an injury. But as my scuba instructor always said, "Panic never helps." So I will make like a Hindu monk most of the time.

3. Try to be less sarcastic. I will hold my tongue for at least 10 seconds before every bit of biting sarcasm, which should be long enough to think through the damage it may do. I came to this conclusion when much to my disappointment, my son's teacher started talking about his sarcasm and suggested he needed to stop. Kids are the most accurate mirrors in the world.

4. Worry less about having a clean house before a party. We all know that after a party, your house will be trashed. Yet, time and time again, I have spent hours wiping every surface and scrubbing the floors JUST so that they will be a sticky mess in a matter of minutes. Life is too short for that.

5. Take time for myself first. My goal is to get "me time" at least three times per week. Now at first blush, this resolution may seem selfish and narcissistic. However, I know from past experience that I am much more pleasant when I have had a good long walk, a workout at the gym or coffee with a friend. I truly think everyone in my family will benefit - if I reach this goal.

6. Hug my teenager more. This seems like a low hurdle, but those of you who have teenagers know that they are not always cuddly. There are obstacles: in my son's case "boy hygiene," and embarrassment (his and mine) which could lead to rejection from one of the people you have spent years trying to help. Also, teenagers can resist hugs. Truly, they can resist parents in general. But that will not stop me. Teens really do want to be hugged, they just can't admit it. Since I know this, it has become my honor sworn duty to deliver those hugs.

Hope this brings you some inspiration to set your sights within reachable targets this year.

Jewtianity - My Family, Holidays and the Year End Wrap Up

Despite our attempts to slow down the fast pace of time, it is the end of the year again, where we take stock of our trials and tribulations, hoping to make this next year better than the last. Here is my end of the year wrap up.

My youngest son is in the fourth grade now and has finally discovered the joy of reading. He is not quite into fine literature yet. Still reading on the Captain Underpants rung of the literary ladder however, beggars can't be choosers so we are happy. He continues to have lots of ideas and lots to say about all of them. I keep hoping an acting troupe will come by and snap him up, finally giving him an outlet for his antics, however no luck yet. One thing he did help with this year was naming a new religion. Now I know this seems like a huge task for a small child but I really think this works. He dubbed the new religion, "Jewtianity".

Jew-ti-an-ity: n. 1. The simultaneous practice of two similar religions within one family. These two religions must have differing Holiday schedules resulting in the diversification and possible religious confusion of young children.

As part of our practice of Jewtianity, we survived a Bar Mitzvah and are now officially the parent of a "Jewish adult". Since he is only 13 years old, this can get a little tricky. He has yet to move out and contributes little to his financial support. He does, however, expect us to allow him freedom in almost all decisions; treating both parents as if we have some sort of disability which results in us being highly illogical and very confused. On the positive side, there is one nice thing about adolescents. They can have philosophical discussions that are actually quite interesting. My teenager recently explained his understanding of learning disorders. He said everyone can learn anything, what differs is how long it takes. This is an interesting idea however; it has yet to be tested. One test might be: will my son ever learn to turn in his COMPLETED homework assignments? Hopefully some time before the END of college.

Both sons continue to have a fierce competition with each other about anything and everything. We have considered dividing the house down the middle and confining each to their own side but sacked the plan due to its complexity. We have few other ideas so we continue to wage peace in every manner possible knowing that eventually one of them will move out.

I continue to work at the newly renamed Family Enhancement Center, where we still strive to support families with information, advocacy and counseling. We continue despite the lack of adequate funds and enough governmental support. If you want to check it out go to http://www.familyenhancementcenter.org/ I have been coping with this frustration through a few diversions: trying to get back into some sort of fit physical shape and supporting Caribou Coffee with almost daily visits where I can sit and briefly dream of finer times ahead.

Hope you have fine times in the year ahead. Cheers!

Thanksgiving

Well, the turkey is gone and I have eaten too much, way too much. I have gained at least 3 pounds of pure, unadulterated fat that has come directly from the massive amount of pie I have consumed. For the record, I do regret every single piece of pie after the first slice of each kind. There were three kinds, though. And I regret the whipped cream too, but just a little bit.

These regrets could almost make a person depressed however, since it is Thanksgiving, instead of thinking of regrets, I am focused on what I am thankful for.

Here is my 2008 list:
I am thankful that I have finally let go of the idea of being glamorous. Now this is not the same as deciding to"let myself go". I have just finally faced the fact that I will never make it onto the cover of Vogue magazine. The silver lining is that by letting go, I am now freed up to focus on the very attainable goal of appreciating myself for what I am.

Secondly I am thankful that my husband and I are still really fond of each other. While being fond of each other seems like a given to those of you who are starry eyed newlyweds, in reality, it is a triumph against nature. It is a triumph to still like each other, when you have spent the last 13 years negotiating everything from whether or not to buy the cheap diapers all the way on up to to how to teach kids about safe sex. And when you have done all these negotiations while listening to endless hours of whining and sibling rivalry, it is a miracle that neither one of us walked out the door to "get milk" and never came back.

Third, I am thankful that both of my children are healthy, at least relatively speaking. Although, they both have their imperfections, some of which I blame on nature and some I blame on nurture (mine), they are healthy.

Now - for the rest of the list:
I am thankful that I can now go to non-animated movies with both of my kids.

I am thankful my kids like rock and roll, well at least one of them does.

I am thankful I can usually see the humor in all the trials and tribulations of the past.

I am thankful I haven't met the seventh grade principle (yet).

I am thankful that most of the calls I get from my kids' school are calls about meetings and volunteering not about one of their latest escapades.

I am thankful that I have decided I am only buying my kids two gifts each, this year.

I am thankful I did not get trampled at the mall.

I am thankful that despite all of the mistakes, I have made as a mother and a family member, I can still look both of my sons straight in their eyes and see the good in them.

Finally, I am thankful that even though our family has been through some rough times, we all still believe in each other.

Parenting and Sarcasm

"You're such an idiot" yells one child. "No, you're the idiot," yells the other. "I wish you were dead", is the kind response.

These are the endearments of my two angels: ages 9 and 12. I keep reminding myself that they do love each other. But this is not what I had imagined. It is not family harmony. Of course, I was raised as an only child, so what do I really know about sibling relationships.

As a distraction, I try to poke some humor at the two of them, suggesting that since I have two idiots as children, I should write a book called "Parents Guide to Raising Idiots".

This is sarcasm. It is one thing I am good at. It has been passed down from generation to generation from a long line of really sarcastic people. So you can see why I wear it as a badge of honor.

My husband doesn't like sarcasm especially when it is directed at him. He has suggested that, since I am gifted in this area, I could offer workshops on the topic of sarcasm. He even suggested a few workshop titles:
"Sarcasm Basics"
"Sarcasm for Every Occasion"
"Sarcasm for the Learning Challenged".

Sadly, sarcasm is not a recommended parenting method so I should really stop. I am trying, but old habits die hard.

Distraction, however, is a well respected and highly recommended parenting technique. It works well when combined with humor so in this case sarcasm was successful. YES! All three of us idiots began laughing and that is a good thing.

So in case you are not gifted with the sarcasm gene, here is a tried and true list of other things you can do when your kids are fighting:

1. Use Humor.


2. Sing.


3. Start talking with an accent.


4. Talk really, really soft.


5. Distract them with something that is happening right now, like an antique car driving down the street.


6. Give each one equal time to explain what they are upset about but don't take sides or make judgements of either child.


7. Challenge them to see if they can find a solution that makes every one happy then reward both of them for going along with it.


8. Even though many parents swear by this, don't give lots of undue sympathy to the wounded child. Chances are "the wounded one" added his or her part to the problem and if you don't want more "wounded child" moments, don't give lots of attention to it.

Dirty Laundry

When I got that call from my neighbor, I was in between the dirty dishes and the pile of laundry. I was not appreciative. She called to ask if Jacob was allowed on NW Blvd. I was embarrassed that my child was doing something against the rules. I was angry that my work was interrupted and until I returned home with said child in tow, I was scared. NW Blvd is a busy street. What if he wandered off the sidewalk and got too close to traffic. What if he tried to cross and misjudged the car distance. It wasn't until I had my child in the home, with lecture completed and consequences laid out, that I realized I should also be thankful.
We are lucky enough to live in a community that cares.

My neighbors know my child well enough to know when to call. Better than that, they care enough to make the call. This fact will likely prove to be sometimes embarrassing and possibly annoying. But we are LUCKY. My child has a safety net. A net that will keep him limited (at times) but also, with luck, safe enough to reach adulthood largely unscathed. For that we are thankful.

So I write this note for all of you who are caring but fearful. When in doubt - Please call. You can always apologize later, if you need to.

I also write it for all of you who may feel embarrassed or annoyed. Get over it. You may have a nosey neighbor but you also have a watchdog.

Lastly, I write it for all of you who don't have a nosey neighbor or don't know your next door neighbors. Get out there somehow and meet those in your community!

No man (woman or child) is an island. We will all need each other some day. We are nothing alone.

Now I am going to call my neighbor and be appreciative!