Parenting Lessons Learned The Hard Way - Negotiation

I am a big believer in children learning negotiation. To some, that makes me an ineffective parent or worse - a waffler. But, I am convinced that children who never get to put in their two cents will be ineffective adults. They will be adults lacking confidence and verbal skills.

HOWEVER what I have learned the hard way is that you have got to decide AHEAD of time whether the issue you are dealing with is negotiable or not.

There is nothing worse than switching from the "no means no" horse to the "maybe horse" midstream. When you switch horses midstream, you lose credibility and you may get confused about what your initial plans were. And of course, you set yourself up for a lot of whining in the future.

My youngest child is too cute for his own good. When he was little, it was hard to say "no" to that sweet face. So many times, I would say "no" and then after a few sad looks would change my mind and say "yes, but just this once." MISTAKE.

We have walked a long hard road through many tantrums to get to the point where he takes us seriously. After a few years of hard core parenting, we have gotten him to see that "no" does mean "no", at least most of the time. He is still cute, but his whining and determination to get is own way is not so cute.

What we needed was a cue. A cue that signals to the overly cute child that “I mean business.” Or the reverse; “Give me a good argument and I may flex a little.” Those words can be hard to find at the spur of the moment.

I leave you with some words to keep in mind when you might want to set a negotiable limit. "Right now I am thinking that you will not be able to....but...." or "I am not sure what to say about that right now. I will get back to you later." Or lastly, there is the old favorite: "I have to talk to your father (mother) about ....before I make a final decision." Its always nice to have a fall guy if you need one.

Parenting Lessons Learned "The Hard Way" - Sleep

I have spent a lot of time obsessing about parenting lately, and although it is driving me crazy, it has resulted in a few thoughts. I have been accused of being stubborn and that may be why I had to learn these lessons the hard way.

Arguing with a child who won't go to sleep rarely makes them go to sleep. Logical on the surface, this one eluded me for years. Arguing, yelling, gnashing of teeth, and threats of consequences actually serve to keep your child (and thus you) awake longer. It is hard to sleep when you have a child repeatedly walking into your room or crying in his room. In addition to the things that really work to get your child asleep more quickly and easily (see advice below), I have also had to learn the lesson of acceptance.

Some kids, just like some adults, can have trouble falling asleep some nights. Unfortunately, they don't plan ahead for the specific nights they will not sleep, so you can't set your sleep schedule around it. As a matter of fact, it seems like when I am the most sleep deprived, they are most likely to have trouble falling asleep. Coincidence? I don’t know. No matter what, when a person has insomnia, calmness and security is what they need. A good read on this topic is Sleepless in America by Mary Sheedy Kuchinka.

In addition, I have a little advice:
1. Sleep when you can, even if your house is dirty.
2. Don’t obsess about sleep. If you can get two 4 hour shifts in during one day, you’re good to go.
3. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Your neighbor, friend, or relative will probably be willing to trade favors so you can get some shut eye.
4. Remember that eventually almost all children do sleep through the night. Don’t fall into self blame when that smart aleck neighbor tells you that all 16 of her children slept through the night at 4 weeks.


Sleep patterns are mostly a result of biology. The rest is due to good sleep hygiene. What the heck is that, you might ask.

Here‘s your answer. Sleep hygiene rules dictate that you should:

• Put your child (or yourself) to bed every night at the same time.


• Put your child (or yourself) to sleep at night following the same routine every night.


• I know it's hard but try to put your baby down into their crib just BEFORE they fall asleep (that way they get used to falling asleep on their own without being held).


• If they wake up – respond but don’t be too exciting or fun. Same goes for you. If you wake up, do something boring then wait till you get tired and go to bed again.


• Make your daily routine just that - routine.


• Don’t eat right before bed. This DOES NOT apply to the baby, who has to eat (nurse or drink a bottle) before bed.


• Don’t watch TV or stare at a screen of any kind for the hour before you go to bed. Don’t let your kids do it either.· Make the last hour of your day relaxing and mellow. Reading is good.


• Be aware that we all have sleep cycles of about 4 hours so everyone wakes up just a bit every 4 hours. Babies might fuss a little and then go back to sleep on their own. We adults may toss and turn for a few minutes then fall back to sleep.
  


• Even if nothing works with your children now, don’t despair. I am glad to report that 12 years later, both our kids are sleeping like babies.