Mother’s Day Musings

I have been stewing for awhile. Now in honor of Mother's Day, I have to come forward. Ever since Amy Chua came out with her book: "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother ", I have been struggling to figure why it irritates me so much. I have to admit I have not read the whole book. But I did listen to a whole interview of her on Minnesota Public Radio.

I tried to keep an open mind. I really did try. In the end I still felt this nagging irritation. It made no sense. After all, there is nothing wrong with having high expectations of your children. There is nothing inherently wrong with insisting your children adhere to a certain structure. Being a rigid and demanding parent is not new and it's not rocket science either. The recent movie: Black Swan, certainly portrayed a demanding and determined mother.

Well I finally figured it out. This Tiger Mothering is really just another way to live through your children. Amy Chua said it herself in her interview on MPR. "The child is almost an extension of yourself". In describing the fact that her children did not become embroiled in teen pregnancy and drug abuse, Amy said "I spared them that". And in that lies the problem. Rather than recognizing that her wonderful daughters made some excellent choices, Amy believes she created them. The boundary between where Amy starts and her daughters begin is quite blurred. The result is their achievements belong to Amy. Amy's daughters, who sat through 2 hours of music practice each day for 10 years, don't even get to own their success.

When parents take responsibility for their children's achievements and children don't know whose goals they are working towards, we are in trouble. In the field of family therapy we have a word for this: enmeshment. It's not considered a good thing.

The ramifications are endless. If you own your children's achievements, do you also own their failures? How do they know who they truly are? I think of all those parents of an under-achieving child. Are all of those parents failed parents? What if you have a special needs child? Are you doomed to failure right from the start?

Since we all can't be at the front of the class, what about those children who just can't cut it? What happens to the frustrated parents expecting their children to do things that they are just not capable of? I am afraid that there are many hidden tiger mothers who are not writing books. They may be sitting with the guilt of child abuse resulting from unreasonable expectations and a child who just couldn't meet them.

Amy reports she feels good that her children have said publicly that they will raise their children just the way she raised them. Well guess what? So do almost all the abusive parents I have interviewed over that past 25 years. As the director of the Family Enhancement Center, a child abuse prevention agency, I have been witness to many examples of inter-generational transmission of parenting practices, be they good or very bad. I wouldn't hang my hat on that.

Amy says she just wants her children to be happy. Well the latest happiness research indicates that financial success is not the road to happiness. Neither are children, for that matter.

The author, Daniel Gilbert, writes about the latest happiness research in his book: Stumbling on Happiness. What apparently makes us happy is being able to enjoy the company of other humans. I am not sure how tiger mothering helps our children achieve that. At the heart of good interpersonal relationships, as we all know, is emotional intelligence. To get that, all you need is a parent who thinks about your feelings and teaches you to do the same with others.

My advice, be warm towards your children. Help them find their unique gifts. Let them know you have confidence in them. Give them limits and rules to follow. When they mess up, help them get back up and keep trying.

For a long time after hearing about "tiger mothers", I wondered what kind of mother I am. I always liked the image of a mother bear and the title, wolf mother, has style but after much consideration I decided, I will just be a Human Mother. Happy Mother's Day.